Monday, July 19, 2004

Where is this generation's Woodward and Bernstein?

  This morning on NPR, Juan Williams was interviewing Donald Rumsfeld, and asked him about the possibility of restarting the draft. Rumsfeld BS'ed a bit and then qualified his answer by saying something to the effect of, "If you ask me personally - personally, I don't think that that is going to happen." But what if he was asked OFFICIALLY?! This was not some Barbara Walters interview, getting to know "the REAL Donald Rumsfeld", this was an interview on NPR in his capacity of Sec. of Defense! Back in the days of Watergate, that was what was called a "non-denial denial" - if he's called on it later, he can say that that was just his "personal" view, not the actual view of the Dept. of Defense. And Williams just let it slide by, not following up and making him really answer the question...in fact, by the end of the interview, they were chuckling and acting like best buds. Puke. Rumsfeld also claimed that we have enough troops, and that the commanders have all the people that they have requested. Yeah. Right. Let's see, the Guardsmen and Reservists are refusing to re-up in record numbers, enlistments are down across the board, we have over 1000 soldiers dead, and thousands more permanently disabled...yet we magically have just enough troops. Rummy, in the immortal words of Mark Andrus, "go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here."

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Sunday, July 11, 2004

On the road again...

  After many weeks, and a few hundred dollars, my Honda Civic is back on the road. Jeff, our new mechanic, replaced the cap and rotor - which had gone bad, the timing belt - which was waaaay past when it should have been replaced, and gave her a tune up. He dropped the car off today while I'm working circ at the university, and I cannot wait to drive her home. She's a good little car, it's just that at 12 years old, she needed some vital parts replaced. The car got 37 mpg before this, and I can't wait to see if her fuel efficiency goes up even more.
Originally, we thought that the timing belt had broken, and as the car has what is called an "interference" engine, that would have meant mucho dinero to repair. It ended up costing us quite a bit, but probably less than half of what a broken timing belt would have cost.
While the car was our of commission, I still had classes in Bloomington, so I had to find alternate transportation. I borrowed my mom's car twice - for a total of four days, rented a car four times, and carpooled with a friend a few times. The rentals were interesting. I always requested (and paid for) economy cars, but I don't think that this particular branch even has any economy cars. I got a Chevy Cavalier, a Chrysler Pacifica, a Dodge Neon, and a Pontiac Grand Am. Three of the four had V6 engines, and the Pacifica was all power with leather interior - it was the fanciest, most expensive car that I have ever driven.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Literature Abusers Anonymous

  Are You a Literature Abuser?

Take this test and find out! How many of these apply to you?
- I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
- I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
- I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
- I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
- I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.

- Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
- Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
- I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
- At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
- Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.

- I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have
finished a novel.
- I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
- I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
- Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
- I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.

- I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
- I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
- I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
- Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a
serious problem.

Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to
new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased
college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number
of literature abusers is currently at record levels.

Social Costs Of Literary Abuse
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal
relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy,
to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad
posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags.
In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in
small towns.

Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of
moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of
English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this
disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of
nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.

Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a
considerable role in determining whether a person will become an
abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused
literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into
adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.

Other Predisposing Factors
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy
fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games,
participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.

Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular
should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be
encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid

Decline And Fall: The English Major
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs
to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their
children are taking the wrong path -- don't expect your teenager to
approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you
visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it
may already be too late.

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
- Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know
you won't abandon her -- but that you aren't spending a hundred grand
to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either.
But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help;
perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic
- Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book
in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question
- Who is this Count Vronsky?
- Show her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Introduce her to frat boys.
- Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop
signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or
minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of
the following applies:
- She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
- She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
- Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf,
Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District.

Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself
or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American
Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone

From JumboJoke.com